Adam and Eve in a Relationship

Adam and Eve in a Relationship Crisis

Picture this: Year I., The Garden of Eden, Lower Gan Eden, if you are Jewish, Garden of Perpetual Residence, if you are Moslem, or garden of God if you prefer. We are in Iraq, or Mesopotamia, Ethiopia, or even Missouri, America if you are Mormon. A couple in the garden are having a painful discussion about the difficulties of their relationship.

“Adam, you do know we only met a few suns ago.”

“Yes Eve, my ribcage still hurts from our introduction on the E of God.”

“We really do not know each other very well. It is too soon for us to consider having sex. Maybe it is not the right time for us. Can’t we just be friends? I, for one, believe in the importance of being good friends in any relationship. We need to go slow.”

“How slow, Eve?

“We need to date, Adam.”

            The man, Adam, looks up from a thorn he picks out of his bare foot as he tries to remember what she has just said.

“Dating…dating? You mean those things we eat hanging from that palm?”

“No, numb nut, I mean you should take me out. You know, someplace different to eat, to dance, or take in a show. You never take me anywhere. We never go dancing, or to a fine restaurant.”

“There are no restaurants in the Garden of Eden, no shows, no clubs, and no fast food joints Eve. We only have this garden. Where would we go? All the food we eat is in this garden, remember.”

“Haven’t you been outside the garden? There must be some place we can go? There must be some place beyond the garden. You know, maybe a shopping mall. I have nothing to wear even if we did go somewhere. As a matter of fact, I really have exactly nothing to wear. There must be someplace more exciting, like that apple tree we are not to visit.”

            Adam realizes his leadership is in question. The woman is no longer just another creature in his man-cave-garden. He must show her who is boss now, and chooses his words carefully.

“God says we are not to go there. What would we do at the apple tree?”

“We could talk.”

“Talk about what?”

“We could talk about our plans for the future, your job, my interest in ecology, fashions, communication, personal growth, spiritual beliefs, nail salons, or diets.

Pg.2 Adam and Eve in a Relationship

You know lots of things. You spend all your time naming things and have no time for me.”

“I have no job, Eve. God takes care of us. I don’t even know what a job is. Maybe naming things is my job, and if so, it does not leave much time for talking. God made so many things on his Earth. I don’t think I will ever be able to name all of them.”

“How do you expect to support me in the manner of my dreams?”

“That is what is so cool about this place. No work, and we get anything we want free. It must be run by what God calls Democrats. The sweetest part of being with you, Eve, is to share our life together. But our life together does not seem to be enough for you. Maybe you are right, and we are not compatible. We should be seeing others. Wait! There are no others here in the garden.”

“Yes, Adam I know that. But I want to be respected by you as an equal if I am to love you. I have to prove to myself, and to you, that I can survive without you. I need my space.”

  “I’ll tell you what Eve, I never ever thought we would not be an intimate couple. Now I know you never ever thought we would. You were just waiting for the right moment for our relationship to stall so you would not have to commit.”

“Oh, Adam, it is not you. It is me. You are perfect in every way, but not for me.”

            Slowly, ever so slowly Adam is beginning to comprehend the dangers in this thing Eve calls ‘conversation’. He is beginning to smell the aroma of rejection as he sniffs the air coming from the woman. A new feeling emerges in him for the first time: anger. He was hoping to get some from the woman before she faked sleeping. Doesn’t look like that will happen.  

“I’ll bet God is laughing at us now. It would have been better if he left me alone in this garden. I would have been better off if I locked up my heart, and gave the key to an angel instead of falling in love with you. Yes, you who only want to be ‘friends’ when my hormones are jumping out of my skin, and you are the only woman here to bonk!”

“Well, Adam, I want to have fun and laugh while I am still very young without the burden of being someone’s wife, or for heaven sake, someone’s mother. I need to find myself.”

“Yes, I know I have been working long hours naming things. It is a tough thing you called a job. It demands all the creativity I can muster. You do know how O.C.D. God is about making sure every item has a unique name. He even made me change those letters to the proper alphabetic order. C.D.O. hoping it would catch on. There is so much to name since the world was created. I just can’t find much time to be with you and have fun, Eve. I did bring you flowers on your birthday, and those special figs from the tree, and remember the time we played that game with a ball and club? We had fun!”

“No Adam, you had fun, and it wasn’t fun playing. It was something you called baseball. There was no one to be the catcher. We could not hit a homerun all the time. When I did bat the ball, I had to stay on second base for two suns waiting for someone, you, to bat me home.”

Pg.3 Adam and Eve in a Relationship

“I’m sorry. Can we have sex now?”

 “Adam, you just don’t get it. You don’t make me hot. No, not even if you were the last man on earth...  Oh, gee, you are.  Also the first man...  Hmm...Whatever."

            Perhaps a new tactic would bring Adam the result he desired. He would go on the offensive. No more ‘Mister Nice Guy’ for him. She would either put out or he would ask God for a new woman who would.

“You know, Eve, I feel the same way about you. It is just not there. Of course I will be sad to see part of me, you know the rib, leaving. But I am really glad you brought this up. You leave notes for me all over the garden, and expect me to answer with a note of my own. If I did that I would have no time to myself to develop this game I am working on. I call it GOLF (Gentleman Only Lady Forbidden). It is played with a big club stick and a ball I made from the sap that runs from that tree I named ‘rubber’ in the garden. I play it on some really nice lawns here. I try to hit the ball into gopher holes. You will see the holes I have marked with a little numbered flag poles.”

“Adam, I guess you will be another story in my life I will never tell. Maybe a chapter never written.”

            Adam became more desperate as his small brain shouted at his large brain ‘time for the love card. If that doesn’t work, dump her!’

“Eve, you know I love you. Can we have sex now?”

“Is that all you think about Ad? No, not now, not ever!”  

“Listen bitch, you stay on your side of the garden, and I will see if God needs another rib from me. I have quite a few ribs. Maybe this time He will get it right. You know he really messed up with the avocado pit being too big, and he messed up big time making you.”

“Oh, don’t be that way. Can’t we just be friends?”

“If God makes one more woman, you could be ‘friends’ with her. Whenever I look at you I just want to jump your bones, not listen to you talk, or just be your friend. And another thing, that paint stuff you have started to put on your face is gross. I like a woman who doesn’t paint. It takes you forever to put it on, it smells terrible, and when I tried to kiss you it got all over me.”

 “Adam, I need the paint. We look too much like each other. Without it, I would have to ask for a sex change to be your twin.”

“Oh that is really low. We are adults here, so there is no need to give each other false hopes about just being friends, and implying sex may come later. Look around, there are only two grown-up folks here in the garden. No need to dish out false hopes just to let each other down easy. After all we have been through together, it would never be a real friendship anyway, so let’s not pretend!


Pg.4 Adam and Eve in a Relationship

All the words had been said, all the meaningless words that come at the end of a relationship. It was a relationship neither Adam or Eve chose on their own. A pre-arranged coupling by God which would have worked better if it was made by an organization called ‘Just for Lunch’. The lunches are a short meeting to see if the couple is truly compatible. Adam in his anger took a stick and drew a line in the dirt separating the Garden of Eden into two halves. She posted a sign on the entrance to her half which read, ‘No trespassing! This means a Dork named Adam!’ After posting the sign, she convinced dog to guard the bamboo gate marking the boundary. And so it was, God’s experiment in populating Earth came to an end when Adam died from a heart attack in his five hundred fifties from eating fatty uncooked meat as he refused to prepare, or cook meals. Eve succumbed the previous year from a fall in her shower under the falls, when she broke a hip. Adam never heard her say, “I ‘ve fallen and can’t get up!”

Wait! Wait! That is not how the Bible story goes. They had thirty-four sons including Cain, Able and Seth. Their twenty-eight daughters seem to have not been named, so they were all probably all just called “sister”. Adam and Eve certainly had sex to populate the Earth. It was their destiny. You do know Eve was lonely after a couple of hundred years living alone on her half of the Garden. She had no one to hold in the evening around a fire, and no one to share her attempts at stimulating conversation.  Eve gave up trying to be a talk show host with no one to fill her interview program schedule. She returned to the bamboo gate looking for Adam to see if he would be a guest on her show. Now, Adam has been developing his musical skills squeezing his armpit to make accompanying sounds to his humming. He also received a gift of beer from God as a reward for teaching all the carnivores to eat a well-balanced vegetarian diet, thereby keeping the small animal populations from extinction in the garden. In his free moments, Adam had begun to draw animal pictures on his living room cave. He spent many hours trying to find a way to make the pictures move and tell stories. She heard this information about him from a visiting angel. He would be a great guest for her show.

“Well, Hello Eve. What brings you to my part of the Garden?”

“Oh, I just wondered how you were doing?”

“Fine, and you?”

 “Adam, there’s that word from you again, ‘fine’. Don’t you have more to say to me than ‘fine’?”

“Nope, I’m fine.”

“Well I have more to say to you than ‘fine’. In the last two hundred years I spent on my side of the Garden, I explored my interests, and created a new self. I think I am now a talk show host. My show is called ‘Look at That!’ after considering a LAMO title, ‘the View.’ I had God as one of my program guests, but he was boring with all his warnings of what we should not do in the Garden. My other guest, a Mr. Snake, was most persuasive in explaining the importance of his personal foundation. He raises money from desert angels to help others develop their knowledge and understanding of the real world outside the Garden. Snake did confide in me the money raised made him very wealthy.”

Pg.5 Adam and Eve in a Relationship

            Adam climbed down from a coconut palm tree with two nuts under his arm. He was interested in what Eve needed. Perhaps he could fill that need, and receive a key to her sexuality.

“Hmmm…Do you have an audience?’

 “Only the creatures of the Garden, but really Ad, I missed you a lot. Yes, I did think we needed some time apart. Perhaps I was not thinking clearly. It was the time of my moon. Last evening, I had a visit from a counseling angel who told me to speak with you about a new form of couple’s therapy.  We would be receiving some sexual counseling for you, of course. You’re sure I can’t talk you into being a guest on my show? Your musical talents would make an excellent program. I want you to know there are other possible guest for my show, if you are not interested.  Who? Well, Mister Snake said someone by the name of Lucifer might be interested in an appearance. That may be his stage name. Just one more thing before I go. Have you ever thought about that tree with the apples? I was told during an audition by my last guest the special tree had delicious fruits that would make a fine apple strudel. He mentioned something about opportunities for us outside of the garden. You know a date at the tree might give us a new start in our relationship. Perhaps one leading to the next level.”

“What level is that, Eve?”

“Adam, we certainly are comfortable around each other naked. If we spent a little more time together I would be willing to help you name things if you would be a guest on my show. You are so strong. I really can appreciate your wonderful skills. In our future, we could use your talents in food gathering and shelter building. You have so many gifted abilities. Your cave paintings of action pictures of animals are beautiful, and making music with your arm pits is sweet. I guess my time away helped me to realize how well I really do know you, and I was very lonely without you. I am ready for taking our relationship to the next level.”

“What level is that Eve? Does it involve us having sex?”

“Why don’t we have a picnic dinner over by the tree with the golden apples. I will make a strudel from them and we can discuss our differing views on sex. That way we may find a path to the next level of our life together. The couple counseling by the angel was a good idea, no?”

“And you want me on your show to discuss sex?”

“I guess if sex is on your mind during my interview we could explore that topic.”

“You want me to pick those apples for our picnic desert? And then we might have sex?”

“Is that all you think about?’


 “One more thing Eve. What did Mister Snake call that beautiful golden apple tree?”

 “I think he called it the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. If you eat its fruit you will know everything.”

Pg.6 Adam and Eve in a Relationship

“Don’t think it will work for you.”

“Why not?”

“I think you already know everything.”

Whatever! Let’s go.”

            You know the rest of the story. After baking Adam his strudel, Eve got her wish for a date outside of the Garden of Eden. She became the first ‘stay at home’ mother with 62 children. Now that sounds like a lot of children, even for a nymphomaniac, but Eve lived for many more years than Adam, as women do even to this day.  During Adam’s nine-hundred thirty years on earth he had many jobs and vocations which were necessary to feed and clothe such a large family. He went on naming things as well as working at what techies and prison wardens now would call ‘doing hard labor’. His duties were to be fruitful and multiply, which every man would agree is their first choice prime job. He also was to have dominion over the Earth, to subdue it and replenish it. Adam and his progeny got the ‘subdue it’ part right to perfection.


On the seventh page the writer rested.


Jim Bailey 01.10.2016 05:43

George, your imagination amazes me. Thanks for sharing this with me. Nice website, too.

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