Celebrating a new holiday:Vacuumas!

Vacuumas Day

Top Ten Possible Clever Holidays for Boring February: (considered and rejected)

1.      National Adopt a Rock Day (Rocks get lonely too. Pick one up and take it home.) January 7

2.      National Peculiar People Day (You think you are the only one? Look around.) January 10

3.      National Nothing Day (Can’t even mark this on the calendar…Do Nothing!) January 16

4.      National Hugging Day (Hugging strangers can be dangerous to your health.) January 21

5.      National Backward Day (Native Americans called them Contraries.) January 31

6.      National Gunpowder Day (Noisy but fun) November 5

7.      National Dunce Day (You will be smarter if you wear a pointed hat.) November 10

8.      National Fruitcake Day (Old fruitcakes never die. Just pass it on.) January 3

9.      National No Shoes or Sox Day (More fun if it is a winter holiday) April 4

10.  National Ice cream for Breakfast Day (Avoid if you are lactose intolerant.) February 2

 All of the suggested holidays in the above list are flawed in my search for a unique Clever Holiday.  Each holiday on the list, although weird, already has a date, an extensive list of events, and activities posted on the web.  I must go back to the drawing board for a unique holiday.  My holiday must reach out to those who find no attraction or connection to the plethora of special days already available. I’m certain it will be held in February. Many people living in the Northern Hemisphere find the month of February long and boring. It crushes their soul with winter’s cold, making the shortest month of the year seem like it will never end, and spring will never come. It is an odd month, occasionally including extra days for Leap Year. Valentine’s Day in February doesn’t cut it as a wonderful holiday for those who have not found love, let alone sex. Presidents Day is on the cheap since mean politicians decided we should not have a day for both Presidents Washington and Lincoln. I have always found the month of February so boring, the only way to endure it was to buy a new car or even a nice used one, even when I did not need a car.  This act became very expensive when celebrated every year. At last I have found a more acceptable alternative, a holiday extending for the entire first week of February. I shall celebrate….. Vacuumas!

     You may be asking what kind of holiday is Vacuumas. It is a cleansing ceremony. It is a ceremony where you create vacuums and worship at the altar of emptiness.  The holiday is most challenging to those who hoard. One of the events of this holiday is to comb homes and neighborhoods searching for those who are closet or openly hoarders. Proselytize for this holiday bringing all into the light of Vacuumas and freedom. During the month of February in the Northern Hemisphere, people begin to feel the stress of being required by bad weather to remain indoors for long periods of time, surrounded by “stuff”; way too much “stuff”. There is stuff in the closet overflowing, stuff in the basement jammed to the rafters, stuff in the dresser drawers now not closable. The garage with stuff has no room for the car. The desk has paper stuff on its top and spilling out of the drawers. Bookshelves have books stacked on top of each other as there is no room for an orderly display. Kitchens have a collection of plastic containers tumbling out of the doors. None of the containers have matching lids. Laundry overflows their baskets.  Cars and trucks have glove boxes unable to close, filled with overflowing stuff. Fast food wrappers are piled on the vehicle floor covering road salt stained carpet. Oh you mean well.  Someday all that “stuff” will be organized, thrown away and put away, but not now.  What about the place where you work? Is it orderly, simplified and under control?  I think not in February. I am sure you would say, “Isn’t it enough I wade through mounds of snow, slipping sliding all the way, every day of this unending winter?”  No it is not enough.  You need the holiday Vacuumas!

     Smile when I say you will receive no gifts on this holiday, but the gift of stress free living. You can start small with the ritual of Vacuumas. Begin with your bathroom medicine chest and a large black plastic garbage bag. First make a small prayer for strength to throw anything into the bag from the medicine chest, medicine out of date or for an unknown illness, and all things that are really NOT MEDICINE!  Is your medicine chest empty? No? Throw everything out you do not use to stay alive.  Now is it empty? You have created your first Vacuum.  Happy Vacuumas! On to other celebrations of this holiday for no crowded space is to be ignored. Now, you see the purpose of this holiday is to free you from the bonds of way too much stuff. Stuff owns you. It requires labor of maintenance, and the worry of storage. Every time you create a new vacuum you it makes you free. Vacuumas is a ritual of setting oneself free. 

     The human history of the Vacuumas holiday: Automobile race car drivers historically have ripped out the passenger and rear seats of their car creating a vacuum. Do this to your car today.  Why do you need the back seat anyway? When was the last time you got lucky there?  Toss away air-conditioning, radios, and headlights. Your car will be lighter and go faster. Do you really need to drive at night or in bad weather? I think not. Create a car vacuum. Writers and publishers eliminated double spacing after periods and paragraph indentations to publish quicker.  Some even eliminated the typing with the software program dragon creating vacuums. The Christian religion has a history of celebrating vacuums.  Martin Luther tossed out 96 items in the Catholic Church creating a vacuum for his followers, only to be outdone by Methodist, Baptist and others who emptied the church buildings of everything ornate, creating vacuums. If your church is a contemporary church, it probably looks like a concert stage. Create a vacuum in your church.  Throw away all the folding chairs and pews. If the parishioner’s stand the service ritual will be short, another gift of freedom from creating vacuums.

     Rituals, symbols and activities for the Vacuumas holiday: The primary ritual of this holiday is to create empty spaces and vacuums.  This ritual can be done anywhere humans begin to collect stuff.  It can be spontaneous or a planned group activity.  Where two or three humans gather, garbage or recycle trucks are soon to follow. There is a holy place all true Vacuumins, (people who celebrate Vacuumas), visit once in their lifetime.  It is the Capital building in Washington, D.C., truly a vacuum empty of truth, honesty, valuable ideas, and service to the people. To be fair, governments do contain a large numbers of Vacuumins, as evident by their work. They bankrupt major cities in the country through excessive taxation, end NASA space exploration with the lack of funding, and create a vacuum of New York State population with a 9% annual reduction. I am sorry to report the Vacuumins have enemies including Black Friday, which now starts on Labor Day instead of the day after Thanksgiving, Chinese General Dollar Stores appearing in every small town in America, TV commercials, auctions, and yard sales. These dastardly foes are determined to undermine Vacuumin’s empty spaces by creating a hunger for the cheap, useless goods. Remember as in the basic principle of physics, they all abhor a vacuum (No Demise Ad Nihil). You will recognize true Vacuumins as they proudly wear the following symbols.

                   Happy Vacuumas Day!

Leatha Archer 21.03.2016 21:14

What a hoot! You certainly have a creative mind. I sure had to laugh as I read this.

Latest comments

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George, Idealism killed by shot of fact. Clark

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George, This is a fascinating article. Clark

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