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O.L.D. Membership

By George W. Clever-----16 August 2018

 I had to speak with you this morning after re-reading your email. I guess the best way is an email response, although maybe a phone call in the future. You all are really missed. One powwow moment does not seem enough lately. Maybe because, as you suggested, I am a member of O.L.D. J (Often Living Dead) Members of this group spend a great deal of time thinking about the old days, fantasizing how ‘great’ those times were, but were not. They get lonely when checking on old friends and find they have gone on ahead. Familiar movie actors have checked out, like Lee Marvin. Don’t know anything about the young ones. Member’s children have children. The P.T.A. means something different now. (Pepcid, Tums and Antacid) No one has a business card, or paid jobs, except the lucky greeters at Wally World. We all wish retired really meant ‘re-tired’ like a new set of wheels.

 At meetings the O.L.D. members discuss body parts that no longer work. The agenda includes hospital visits and a roll call of members who have ‘taken dirt naps’. Meetings always include coffee or some kind of stimulus in a search for energy. Canes and walkers are required attire along with Velcro closed shoes, sandals, support hose, diabetes socks, copper bracelets, and sweaters. They all belong to the ‘Operation of the Month Club, where for 99 cents you get 4 operations of your choice, but must buy 6 more at full price. Those who master use of the computer (because they took typing in high school) send each other pictures of the ‘good old days’, ads for miracle drugs, or dire warnings of America falling prey to Islam fanatics. A soft lunch is served where the food has been pre-chewed, or treated to a blender for those members with few or no teeth. A heated discussion occurred this week in regard to which member had received the most junk mail from politicians, sales companies, Indian Schools, disease research, or college organizations with endowment needs who are interested in being added to one’s will. Most are considering pre-paid funeral plans, but in fact, some say, ‘what do I care. Let those family trouble makers surrounding me pay for it.’

 Our meetings are usually quite short. We try to avoid nap time during the business portion of the gathering. Although snoring is usually not heard by the members without their hearing aids. Those with hearing aids often forget to turn them on. Our sergeant of arms checks those napping to be sure they have not passed on. Never say ‘dead’ or ‘terminal’ to those in their golden years. These meetings end on a high note when members are tasked with making a ‘bucket list’. Another fun activity is finding out who had the most titles. You know, chief, doctor, judge, colonel, boss, and yes, grandpa, grandma, dad, mom, uncle, auntie make the list. We like sing-alongs together. It can be frustrating when no one remembers the words, where they live, or who they are in the middle of a song. Our meetings end when someone mentions all the jobs at home, doctor appointments, shopping needs, and yard work, they have to do that day, realizing only some of those expectations will be done by the end of the day. And so…. You all may be interested in forming a chapter of O.L.D. in Bartlesville, Oklahoma for you and your friends. We are currently forming a new chapter here in Sinclairville, New York. I would give you the mailing address for our national headquarters so you could request membership cards, but I forgot it.

 My best to you. The Grand Poohbah of O.L.D.  George

Latest comments

14.04 | 15:16

George, Idealism killed by shot of fact. Clark

14.04 | 14:51

George, This is a fascinating article. Clark

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Hello Frank, Unfortunately, the turtle head has to come off and the insid...

02.06 | 21:22

my turtle just died and I want to create a rattle. How do I prepare him to do this.